It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
