Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
