i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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