ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
