there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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