I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
