I murdered the dance floor call the cops
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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