two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
