Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
