I intend to get homeless drunk
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
