I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
