I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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