So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
