hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
why do cheetos always look like penises
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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