I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
