shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
