Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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