how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
