This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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