I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
