Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I lost the right to judge tonight
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
