through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
