She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Oh god it's open bar.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
