Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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