Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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