guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
my poor anus
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
