Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
