u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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