She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
