My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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