Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
