For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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