Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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