someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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