Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
