my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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