The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
