Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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