i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
