thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
