Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
