I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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