my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize