Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
