When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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