Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
