I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
