Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
