i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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