fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
