I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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