his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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