You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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